No, really, they are. This being Massachusetts at 9:00 PM in December, I guess this should be a surprise to no one (even if I am indoors), but it was the first thing to pop into my head when I was confronted with the awesome responsibility of writing a subject heading. My nose is also cold, and my fingers are getting there (I swear to God they need better heat in the library) but that only occurred to me later.

Classes are over and finals are still a handful of weeks away. Well, three. (Making it, at least in my internal taxonomy, a "few" weeks away. "Couple" is just a long way of saying "two," "few" is "three or four," a handful is "five" [like, you know, fingers. If you include the thumb as a finger, which I do], and anything beyond that is "a shitload.") I'm actually glad of this, now, because that means I don't need to be studying (since I'm clearly not anyway), although I'm sure it will be super annoying as soon as I get home and have to spend my days studying. Oh, well, I knew what I was in for when I signed up. (As Super Chicken once said to his sidekick who, although I can't remember what kind of animal he was, I remember that his name was Fred: "Besides, you knew the job was dangerous when you took it." [ASSUMPTION OF RISK! dying a million deaths] Okay, technically that line is actually in the theme song, but you can imagine it as having been said by Super Chicken.) A is still here, but a lot of people have already gone home for the holidays. So it's mostly quiet around here, and not crowded, which is awesome as I sit around not actually writing this memo that I still have to do. Sigh.

So, okay, I was listening to Automatic for the People the other day, which is such an awesome album. I mean, even intrinsically it's just great, but it's also one of those albums that dropped right as I was awakening musically, so it's tied up with a thousand things I had almost forgotten. High school, being a teenager, blah blah. I now understand why old people always listen to the same music over and over again. I promise I get new music occasionally. ANYWAY those of you who know know that there's a song on it called "Star Me Kitten," which I always thought was a cool title for a song, but I never really heard the words clearly. This is one of those songs where Mike Stipe is kind of gravelly mumbling into the microphone and it's not very clear what he's saying. But I was always reasonably sure that what he was saying was "Star me kitten." Despite the fact that it doesn't actually make any sense. I mean, since when does rock music need to make sense? (Maybe this isn't time to dive into how much I love psychedelic rock--at least when it's edited to bits of five or so minutes. I can't listen to 20-minute jam tracks.) But I was playing around on-line as I was listening and I was like, well, hell, why not look up the lyrics, and apparently what he's actually saying is "Fuck me Kitten." Which makes more sense (at least if you assume that "Kitten" is a nickname--I guess it does even if you don't, but that doesn't really bear contemplation), but, huh. I won't say that I was disillusioned or anything, because, um, whatever. But still! I just thought it was funny that instead of naming the song something else, or even "**** Me Kitten" they just went and straight up changed the name of the song.

I guess it's also possible that the lyric site I was on was wrong, but I've decided now that this story is way too cool to be false, so I'm going to plunge ahead merrily as if it's true. (As my torts professor says, "If you don't know the law, make it up!")

Also, A says: "N is sexy, and he is really cute also. Also, he has a hat. a" Yes, the extra "a" was in the initial message. Sorry, I'll wait until you all get back from puking.

Okay, in addition to the cold toes thing, there's seriously like a million snow on the ground. It's like, a ludicrous amount. And supposedly there's more on tap for tonight and tomorrow, which is I guess a good thing. If nothing else it will keep me indoors and near memo-writing implements. YAY SNOW!!! A is pretty sure I'm going to get sick of it at some point, but I'm less sure. I don't have to drive in it, and the amount of walking I'll have to do in it on a regular basis is pretty minimal. Plus people up here actually seem to be able to deal with it, which is novel.

Blah. Okay, not like I had much of anything to say anyway, really, but that's the update from Mass! Californians, I'll be back on WEDNESDAY. Yayay!!! I know you're all as monkeybrite as I am!

So, okay.

Those of you who still read this (does anyone still read this?) may have noticed that I haven't been around in...a while. There have been changes around here, and they seem good. There have also been other changes in the world as defined by me and they are also good. In fact I can't think of any bad ones, really. Well, that's not fair. There are certainly changes I wish I didn't have to make, but having made them I'm happy. Which is to say, Harvard, yay, and hi, y'all.

I don't think I've actually been in the "post" screen of LJ since maybe May? Possibly June. Nevertheless, when I got here, LJ asked me if I wanted to resume this earlier draft:

-----------------

So I was walking to work this morning, or rather walking to the Metro because that's what I do, rather than walking all the way to work, which would take forever, and it was a gorgeous day and then suddenly I was smelling toast! OMG AM I HAVING A STROKE!?!? Answer: I assume not, unless one of the symptoms of stroke is that nothing happens at all except that you smell toast. And that is my story about how I did not have a major medical emergency this morning.

OTHER THINGS I DID NOT HAVE THIS MORNING

* Pancakes
* Chlamydia
* A Hangover
* High-pitched Ringing in My Ears
* Routine Angioplasty
* A baby

As it turns out, I didn't have any kind of angioplasty this morning, so don't none of you worry. I know you all were. Also I am not now nor have I ever been pregnant, although one of the women at work is, and good for her! She can't eat tuna fish.

I did have pancakes both Saturday and Sunday mornings, though. That was pretty awesome. Andrew and I made them and ate them. Both days! Mmmm, pancakes. (YES! I cooked! Actually, totally true story, the microwave at my apartment broke, for all intents and purposes. Somehow the only button that works is the popcorn button. So you can microwave things in increments of about two-and-a-half minutes, but you have to watch the timer and how annoying, right? So I've actually had to cook my own dinner on occasion. Like, I've made spaghetti and sausages and tuna salad and it's been just insane! And I haven't once burned down the kitchen, which, go me. Yay for food!)

I was making fun of someone or something recently for having chlamydia, even though who- or whatever it was didn't. I don't remember the context. But I'll bet it was fucking hilarious. LAUGH DAMNIT.

---------------------------------

Good times, good times. Of course I don't have that job anymore, I imagine the girl at work has had her child, and I did not have pancakes for breakfast this morning. Nor will I tomorrow morning, I don't think. I have ceased cooking, what with the living in the dorm now, but I never did burn down the building. I still know people who live there, so yay for that.

I got a package in the mail the other day from darthrami. I have no idea how or why, but for some reason she had the valet key to Radetzky. She suspected, and alas she is correct, that it was too late to actually matter, as Radetzky was sold back in August. I loved to drive that car, but there would be no point to having him here. Especially as I live in the dorms.

I am not, I am sad to say, curling. No time, and Wayland is just far enough away to be a pain in my ass. Sigh.

I am learning Criminal Law, Contracts, Torts and Civil Procedure. Next semester I am learning Property and Legislation & Regulation, a new course they invented for my incoming class, as well as a class on International Law, and some elective. Three of my professors have clerked for judges, two of them for the Supreme Court. One of my quasi-professors (she leads a "reading group" which mostly involves watching movies about the Civil Rights movement, which I'm totally okay with) also clerked for the Supreme Court, and is apparently married to a Justice on the 1st Circuit Court of Appeals. Two of my professors literally wrote the book on their subjects. None of which I say to brag. It's just--this is a weird place, y'all. I was sitting in on a panel of graduates over the years, and one of the gentlemen on the panel gave the following advice: "Get to know your classmates. One of them is going to be a governor and can get you a job as a judge." Hahaha oh wait he's serious. In fact, he was a judge. He should know.

There are loud people outside my window now. Apparently they're going to Tommy Doyle's (a local bar that also has karaoke on some nights. It's no Remington's). It's fall in New England, and the remnants of Hurricane Noel mean it's chilly and rainy, but this being New England, people are also burning leaves and having fires in fireplaces, so you get that wonderful smell that people normally associate with Hallowe'en, but being a Northern Californian, I associate it with Christmas. They already have the Christmas candy out at the CVS, and earlier this evening I listened to the only piece of Christmas music I can stand to hear more than once a year, The Nutcracker. I like it here, but also I can't wait to go home.

So, hi! No empty promises of being around more often this time. But let me know how you're all doing. Even with how much for-class reading I have on any given night, I can still spare a little time for LJ.

Um, hi!

I've been dead for 14 weeks, but now I am alive again! This isn't a real update, but I wanted to let everyone know:

1) I AM ALIVE!

2) I AM WELL!

3) A real update is coming soon.

4) IF YOU ARE WITHIN THE SOUND OF MY VOICE YOU ARE INVITED! Seriously. As some of you know, Monday is the Celebration of Me! Where I turn actual 29, for the very first time. SO:

SUNDAY.

MY PLACE.

8:00.

SHOW UP.

BRING BOOZE. (No need to bring gifts!)

If you don't know where my place is, or want more info or whatever, leave a comment and I'll get back at you with more info.

I lick you all!

PS Check out the cool new default icon. My dad made it. The script on the icon was made by that very typewriter.

Abstract

Nudged AGAIN but this time I was prepared. Too bad my computer wasn’t. Let’s all mourn what we don’t know. I have a brief instance of ADD. I got a new computer! It is awesome, except that the firewire port is effed so it’s getting a new motherboard. It is male? Is it female? Help me decide. My high school girlfriend was in town and it was awesome and I miss her. I am the best tourguide ever. Happy birthday, birthday havers! ANGSTY STUPID SANDWICH BOY STUFF. A lot of it. Seriously. Do everyone a favor and skip it. EXCEPT THE QUIZ TAKE THE QUIZ. Could you be my boyfriend? The upside to all of this is that now I know for certain I’m HIV negative. Woo. Passat commercials suck. Cars in Miami are awesome! MIAMI was awesome! There was a bachelor party and drinking and a beach and a tan line and a gutless convertible and more drinking and DRAMA (because duh) and MORE drinking and OH YEAH THE WEDDING and then MORE drinking and then dancing and then YET MORE drinking and eating and chilling and hanging out and it was all pretty much amazing. So yay to that!! There was also that awful game show Card Sharks, which sucked, but I make up a story about it anyway. And I wrote something for Wikipedia!! It was an 8. No, seriously. And then I get cranky about things because, well I don’t know why but get off my goddamn lawn.

(*&)(*$&)!@(*&$)!(*@)$^#%!*&@^#%)!(&)(

( Just bear in mind that you asked for this... )

I feel like this should be two posts–the happy Miami stuff in one and the angsty lame crap in another. But extricating the one post from the other would be impossible, even if I felt motivated to do it. Which I don’t. Feh.

I should re-park my car. Feh.

Feh.

(Brief addenduim while posting: There's now a field for "Current Location"?! Oh, man, how awesomely amd I going to misuse this?!?!?!)

Abstract

Mr. Mister should have an honorary degree. AREN'T I FUCKING ADORABLE?? I watched wy too much Murder, She Wrote as a child, and know way too much about Angela Lansbury generally. Today's word of the day makes me har. Because I am four. I had an adventure! I was in New York! I FedExed something! I reminisce about one of my favoritest books ever, which you should all read. Free lunch today, served by hot guys. I also hear a really great awful joke, which you have to read to believe. It's probably better when I tell it in person, though. And now I have actual work to do. I KNOW SHOCKER.

@($*&%($*&%)$(*&%)#$$@^(&%#@%^

( Bouncing Here and There and Everywhere! )

On the other hand, it finally feels like summer's on its way. YAY!

Abstract

Fox "News" pisses me off. Non-Fox "News" pisses me off. News sucks. Isn't it someone's birthday? I stick it to the man. My back hurts. I like my toothbrush. I need new tires. Rhode Island is lovely. Connecticut is lovely. My grandmother's memorial service is lovely, and about like you'd expect when the Datlowes get their hands on a somber occasion. My brother and I offend everyone possible, for which I apologize. Everyone in Connecticut is old. I love fried food. Very sad news from a college friend. Sandwich Boy and I are...well, who the hell knows. George Mason, WTF. My boss quits. I make plans for the afterlife.

It occurs to me that this is a pretty subdued entry. Sorry. Please don't spam me with complaints about how you didn't laugh. I'm not really in the mood. Spam me with all the other comments you'd like, though! It will keep me from not doing the work I don't want to be doing. Trust me this makes sense.

(#*@$*&^@(#*$&^(#$&)(@*#_$^@#^$%^

( Good evening.... )

And that's the way it is this 27th of March, 2006.

ABSTRACT

I was nudged again. This somehow leads me to cat barf. I had lunch at Five Guys! Which reminds me of Scooby Doo. And Jabberjaw. My grandmother died. I’ll be in Connecticut the last weekend in March. I did a Roundup! I would have done more, but the news has been sucky boring. My music depresses me. It was my best friend’s birthday! And also her wedding anniversary is coming up soon (although by “soon” it turns out I mean April). Curling sucked, and so did New York and the weather. I went gambling! Word is retarded. I ate food! Slots are depressing. I won $6! And then gave it right back. Happy Ash Wednesday! Happy birthday Michelle! I make fun of fat people. YAY F1 SOON. New stuff at work. Another lame-ass Chairman joke. Question about Miami logistics!!! Sandwich Boy might have quit? Finally, a Public Service Announcement. Very important.

(*@Q&^#@#$^&(*@&$)#(*&$)(#$)!!!

( Abandon All Hope... )

Um. And with that I think I will actually post this now. So I still have time to do some work today, or something. Fun!

ABSTRACT

I am smarter/less smart than Outlook. I have mental constipation (which is now relieved), and for purposes of this entry, pretend you are an educated 14th-Century Italian. Another stupid-ass Chairman joke. A series of vignettes: 1) Drunkenness I; 2) Pynchon I (Sandwich Boy); 3) Home For the Holidays; 4) A Pointless Story; 5) And This is All True; 6) Just Play Along With Me Here; 7) And We're Back; 8) Drunkenness II; 9) New Year, New Hope (but not in the Star Wars way); 10) Pynchon II (Sandwich Boy, Reprise); 11) Holidays and the 4th Amendment; 12) A Hot Boy; 13) More fun with cars; 14) Denouement. (If I were feeling energetic, I would link those to the sections they correspond to, but I'm not, and it occurs to me that I don't know how to anyway. The vignettes are all set apart and bolded, so it shouldn't be too hard to find the one you're after, if you don't want to read them all.) Welcome back! I smoocha you all.

(#*&$)(Q*#&$)(Q*&_)$*(&$#)(*&^(*&$^@)#*&%H

( Today's Number is 14! )

So, I’m back! And, uh, hey, how about that local sports team? Or some junk.

ABSTRACT

( Insert Witty Cut Text Here )

Man, now I've depressed myself. I think I need to go eat, or something. Woo.

ABSTRACT

And I'm zany to the max! I was just talking to this guy from Norway, which is cool, because, NORWAY! But I can't help him, so I don't know how to deal with that. Instead I will spout trivia. I am a mime! Hilarity ensues. Because I am a mime, however, I am not wearing the hot new jacket I bought at the Puma Store this weekend because it is being discontinued and I love my F1 team's new livery and I love my jacket and I LOVE THINGS, but not really, because my sort of grandmother gave me a guilt complex about this a long time ago, which I have mostly gotten over beause of the current president who is a retard, in case you hadn't noticed, but almost led to political fisticuffs, but then didn't. I am extremely gay. I curled some. There was a holiday! I saw Rent. I helped people move! WELCOME NEWBIES! Be sore afeared. Stupid back.

)@($#*&)(#*$&)@#(*$+_)@(#@__@^@$#@%^$()*#

( It's Mime Time! )

Oh, also, my sister got married. Have I mentioned that?

Abstract

Pay no attention to the Bible title. I've been to Starbucks a (comparative) lot, recently and (after a diversion into the evilness that is Wal*Mart and collectible Muppets glasses) I am thorougly underwhelmed. More flavor please! But least the one was free (thanks, creepy landlord!), and I got a haircut (not at Starbucks, but that same day), and the other one was on a date that went really well. And now he's in South Carolina. Bastard. (Aside not in the main body of this post: I ran into him at Remmy's completely on accident on Saturday, and he was there with friends, like you tend to be. I, apparently, called one of them an asshole? which I have no recollection of whatsoever and which I completely did not mean--you know how I say things like Oh, you want to talk to your friend? What an asshole--you know, joking, but maybe I should learn to be a little more tactful around people I don't know? Har.) My back is really sore, despite not owning a fake invisible upside-down bicycle. NASCAR season is over and I watched the last race last night and I had some Becherovka, because I was decompressing from watching Latter Days which I got into in a way which may or may not be pathological, but is how I get when I see certain types of movies I really enjoy. I also saw Goblet of Fire which I also thoroughly enjoyed, although not in the same way. Lj keeps changing, too, which is fine by me, and a happy belated birthday to mine, which turned three some time last month. (Actually, now that I think about it, maybe four.) And now it's time for lunch. Yay, lunch!

(#*&()^$(@#&^$)(_)!@_)#(+++!@+#(*

( I mean, not that I think I'm the Lord, but... )

Okay, it's 1:00 and time for lunch. Maybe after that I'll do some modicum of work. That would be novel.

Abstract

Everything is slow today, especially my email. KILL IT. I am re-reading my favorite book of all time ever. I highly recommend it, for the three of you who would be able to stomach it (or, brain it, I suppose). Time for me to insert what I had typed up from last time, with interjections FROM THE FUTURE!!!. We have a trip to te ER. SEE the horrors of sick and crazy people! SEE the late-night TV run-down from six weeks ago! SEE me have to take time off work because I needed to sleep. HMOG the car trauma is unending and painful. I love my car, but sometimes not enough. And sometimes he doesn't love me back. I'm okay with my dysfunction, though. (Aside, not discussed below: I really enjoy the dys- prefix. I also use it in the below, in the context of "Like Spinning Plates," which is a song I love. And which is also the next thing I talk about.) I have counting trauma with South Beach Diet bars. I CHANGE THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS. Still no wedding stories. YAY CURLING. Party at my apartment! YAY COMPUTER GAME! BOO PULLED NECK! And for the LOVE fo GOD people, be careful making popcorn, or I'll be forced to make another really strained analogy, and that's just not good for anyone's mental health.

(#*$^(*&$_)(#$*_#)(*_Q#)$(*_#)Q(*_$(

( Are you braced? Girded? )

That wasn't so bad now, was it?

ABSTRACT

Word blows. Fun with auto-correct! This may well be the longest post I ever write, both in terms of length and how long it takes me to write it, but read it or I will stalk you. Gratuitous picture of a freaky man. I continue to not be dead. Many things have happened! I crack myself up because I am lame, but I don’t post enough. I will actually be posting this whole thing in chunks, so you can breathe a little easier. (But just a little, because it’s still ten pages long, and I haven’t even gotten to the long stories yet.) I got a physical! That made me really effing nervous for no reason. Still haven’t had the follow up. Yay bacon cheeseburgers! People have funny names. YAY CURLING. I reminisce about a horrible old TV game show. More people have funny names. I lied about posting in chunks. Work continues to suck the marrow from my bones. I am old. I went to a concert! Two, actually! And they both rocked. I provide proof positive that I am a nice guy. I go out after one of the concerts! It is actually kind of annoying. More killing and hating of work. Advice on how to defeat international terrorism. I went out last night! I had a great time despite certain v. annoying people and have stories to tell! I continue to hate Word. I make the best analogy ever. I didn't lie about posting this in chunks. Coming soon to a Horatio near you: THE REST OF THIS POST!

***************************

( HE LIVES! )

ABSTRACT

I am not dead! I have a soul! I am not evil! Smokey and the Bandit made me gay. I people-watch on the Metro! I had a birthday! I drank a lot. I talked with a lot of boys! They are all exceedingly dumb. I joined a gym! My sister is getting married! Maybe I will post again in the near future, youlucky devils!

------

Hello! News reports to the contrary, I am not dead. On the one hand, this means I am not Chief Justice Rehnquist. On the other hand, this means I still have a soul. Bonus! Soul-having is kind of cool. I get to do things like look in mirrors and see my reflection, and can walk in open sunlight and other things like that! It also means that I'm not going to be going to be strumming on the guitar, or going to any birthday parties while my fellow countrymen are drowning. This is technically true, because my birthday came to me last weekend, but it is also worthy of note that it is not part of my job, nor do I have any power, to stop that from happening. But, hey, being President is hard! President Bush and Barbie should get along great in remedial school.

So I'm watching Smokey and the Bandit, which I'm sure I've mentioned before was my favorite movie in the entire universe when I was a wee lad. It is still one of the finest movies ever made. It's the first time I've seen it in probably like five or ten years, and even then not from the beginning, but damned if I didn't recognize it from the sound of the Peterbilt starting before the opening credits. I am such an UNABATED DORK. God I love thse old cars. The V8 in that Trans Am sure makes a sexy noise. Okay then. Also, Sally Field is awesome. It's amazing how much better Burt Reynolds was in this film than in The Dukes of Hazzard. The movie, I mean, of which I saw about 13 seconds, which was about half an hour too damn long. Joyless! Flat! Uninspiring! Soul Sucking! It was like Ann Coulter.

Speaking of which, there was this guy on the Metro the other day and I was all, oh, he's kind of cute, and then he pulled out a book! (He can read! Bonus!) But then it was Slander, and I rolled my eyes right the fuck out of my head and nearly died. And of course we made the same transfer and got off at the same stop and I was like, WHY ARE YOU STALKING ME??! Clearly, you are closeted and deeply in love with me.

In other exciting people-on-the-Metro news (isn't this awesome how I'm gone for more than a month, a period of time which included my birthday, and all I can talk about is the people I see on the Metro? My life is so damn awesome), there was this woman on the train today, this time in-bound, and her shirt said:

Momma's like good boys

"In what way?" I wondered. Then she turned around, and on the back it said:

But chick's dig the righteous
Proverbs 11:18

This is clearly some new translation of the Bible, and one that's not so big on, you know. English. Perhaps some of the more religious among you out there can tell me if chick is does, in fact, dig the righteous.

HMOG they talk about Sondheim in this movie? For the love of God I was pre-ordained to be gay. AND NOW THERE'S A CONVERSATION INVOLVING BOTH A CHORUS LINE AND RICHARD PETTY. OFTLOG I am in love with this movie all over again.

So, uh. What's going on in the world? By which I mean my world, because I am a complete solipsist. Um. I am now 28! I spent about five days drunk last weekend. It was a long weekend. Thursday was one of those nights where you kind of accidentally end up going out, and then Friday was supposed to be an easy going out night but then we ended up at Remington's because duh, and then Saturday we started and ended at Remington's because duh, and I got serenanded, and yes, I was gotten drunk enough that I did, in fact, get up and sing. Perhaps you felt the world end just a little bit last weekend? Yeah, sorry about that. "Walking on Broken Glass." The song was chosen for me. I wasn't so drunk though that I sucked, though, so maybe one of these days I'll actually get up and do it again. WHO KNOWS.

And Sunday was my birthday! I got drunk! We are all shocked. Thanks to everyone who showed up--it was great to see you all, and I really appreciate you all coming. I ad a great time, and I hope you all did, too. Your generosity, too, was unsurpassed. I LOVE YOU GUYS! And I'm not saying that because I'm drunk, because I'm not, but because it's actually factually true. Also, it's hilar that I just typed "I LOVE YOU GAYS!" It's true, but I also love you straights and bisexuals and genderqueers all! I SMOOCHA YOU!!! And then I went to JRs and got serenaded again, and it was basically just awesome. So thank you all, again.

Oh and then on Tuesday we were supposed to go out and celebrate with magicasylum, who also had Geburtstag, but she ened up not feeling up to it, so girlfromsouth and I went to Drag Bingo, which did not happen, and then to Fox & Hounds, where we were drinking and talking loudly about how we hate everything, and then who should come by but ex-Jay? And it was good to see him, and we had a cool conversation, and then he said oh, hey, I bought a condo and I'm closing at the end of the month! And of course GFS and I were all, AWESOME! but inside I died a little bit because I don't have a condo. (It should also be noted that my sister, who is getting married in 13 days, also closes on a condo in four. My insides have been dying a little bit with disturbing frequency recently. Not that I'm not happy for her--I'm seriously ecstatic, as everyone should know by now, but you know. ANYWAY.) So I got all angsty so we (GFS and I, after we sent ex-Jay on his way) went to JRs and commiserated with the bartender and I got righteously (because chick is dig me) drunk.

Other things have happened. There was, for example, the entire month of August! I assume it was fine. There was like this whole STORY about how I was at Freddie's (for I am trashy) and White Shirt was there! And I was all like why are you here? But it was fun! And then later THE COP showed up (You remember the Cop? You know, THE COP?!?! Go back to February if you need a refresher. HMOG.) and was all like, Um, Sorry I didn't call! But I thought you would be mad! Because I was working this cheerleading thing, and this girl fell and we thought she broke her neck and I had to take her to the hospital and blah blah, and I was all, and do they not have telephones in Fairfax? I mean, it's pretty damn far, but it's no Rocky Top, for the Love of God. But anyway so we got to talking and then we ended up back here (I'm at home right now, BTW, not at work. Although that would have been hilar) and as we're doing our whatever, he kind of pulls up and says, I think maybe we should slow down--I think this is where we went wrong last time. To which I though, REALLY LOUDLY, "No, where we went wrong was when you STOOD me UP!" But then we went our separate ways and he's like, I'll call you! And then he DID! And then we set a tentative date! And then (SHOCKER) he didn't call. I totally died of surprise and shock.

AND THEN there was this OTHER guy with whom I talked for a while at a different bar on a different night, and then he emailed, and then I emailed back, and then...nada. And then I got a birthday card from him! It was beyond the strange. Why don't I ever meet NORMAL people?! Actually, okay, why don't I ever meet people who are strange in a way that I can relate to? Clearly if I ever met anyone actually normal I would chase them off and they would be, like, horrified by every time I opened my mouth. He would be all like, "Hi!" And I would be all, playing hopscotch and humming "Bicycle Built for Two" while being accompanied by the altos of the Vienna Boys Choir and the West Palm Beach Kazoo Orchestra and Ballet Troupe, and he would be all, "WTF?" And I'm like, What? WHAT? Maybe it's too much to expect anyone to know that the proper response would be to perform an interpretive dance of the collected works of Pablo Neruda (although, HI, it's as obvious as the nose on the face of Rudolph. The Reindeer, I mean, not Hess, because that would be creepy, and also, I don't think his nose is quite so prominent as it once was, since he has been dead for quite some time. From boys that weren't to Nazi War Criminals in one easy step. DID YOU GUYS MISS ME OR WHAT?!?!

Also, I joined a gym. HMOG I KNOW. And I've even been going occasionally. The personal trainer person I got for my free sessions is this cute little lesbian who was all talking to me about football and how she loves Virgos (her GF is a Virgo) and I was all, har, you are funny. Speaking of football, GO NINERS!!! One week in, and you've already got half as many wins as you had all last year. It's good to root for the best team in football, but occasionally it's just as good to root for the worst. I also am deeply in love with my Padres, who have an absurdly good shot at finishing the season below .500, and still winning their division.

JINGLE BELLS!! BATMAN SMELLS!! Etc. etc.

Oh, and work is work. I've actually been kind of busy and shit! Which is insane. Like, seriously, it's Monday (okay, technically Tuesday, but only just) and I've already got enough OT this week that I could skip out on Friday entirely and still come out ahead on the paycheck. Hooray for OT. And there's still crap I need to do and blah blah and anyways.

snore

Just because I'm doing shit and all doesn't mean it's not the most boring thing in the entire universe.

MY SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS HMOG!!! By an odd coincidence, my UmFriend will also be in New York that weekend, but I figure it's pobably not the best plan in the entire universe to bring him as my date. My mother has specifically requested that I not do anything that might kill my grandfather. I wouldn't cause drama on my sister's Pretty Princess Day, anyways, because I have class. No fear! He will be in town the week afterwards. I KNOW YOU WERE ALL DESPERATELY WONDERING.

malibonobo, I should like call you at some time in the future because we have to like, make some plans or something. And also I might need a place to crash on Thursday night. Not this one, of course, but the next one. Okay then.

LALALA! That's it. FOR NOW. Now that I've made this download maybe I'll be able to get onto something like a regular schedule again, or something. HAHAHAHA I am endlessly hilarious. OKILOVEYOUBUHBYE!!

ABSTRACT

BASEBALL UPDATE!!! Read carefully. Also, please to remember your old-school Toys-R-Us commercials. I went out last night! This is an excuse for a lengthy digression into nose-picking and the unspeakably huge irony that is Nickelodeon TV, thank you very much Alanis. And then there's actually what I did do last night which was fun! And as hot as nuclear balls. And there was porn! And my best friend and I rowed for freedom using our butter churns. It was pretty awesome.

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ACTUAL BUSINESS FIRST!! ( It's business! It's pleasure! This is the mullet of LJ entries! )

Okay then!

Abtract

Metric translations have got my online dictionary down! But that's okay because it makes me laugh. Hyphens, like Jeff Gordon, suck. And so does my computer and so does my work ID! I'll reboot in a bit, maybe after I've gotten lunch and maybe done something. I did stuff this weekend that is so quintessentially me that I really don't even need to tell you what they are, but I do anyway. WHO WANTS TO GO SEE THE PADS/NATS WITH ME ON SUNDAY?!??! Let me know stat, so I can get tickets. I'm having a heart attack. I like the word "palanquin". I have Leprosy. No, I don't. I restage the Cola Wars, using parts of speech as proxies. Time to do work!

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Hi, okay, so I'm translating this article in German and I'm having this horrible flashbacks to last semester--you know, the one that caused me to wash out for I am lazy--and I'm trying to claw my eyes out. Oh, I'm doing this for work. It's really boring and it's about the reinsurance industry. Department of Redundancy Department. The reason I bring this up, other than to showcase my bling German skillZ, is because it just nearly caused me to die of laughing. Actually, not really it so much as the on-line translating dictionary I'm using. Now, this is the same one that told me last week that the French word for wallet was actually "pochette," and not what it actually is, which is, as I am now reliably informed, "porte-phooey", so you've got to expect that they're going to be a little off. I wanted to double check that the word "Milliard" translates as "Billion". So I type it in, and hit translate! The dictioniary returns the following:

In German: Milliard

In English: milli pool of broadcasting corporations

Um. HAR. Yes, I am translating an article about one-one thousandth (is that where the hypehn goes? I can never remember where to hyphenate things, except phrases where everything is hyphenated, like johnny-come-lately, which is what all of you Jeff Gordon fans in the world are. HE SUCKS COCK! Okay) of a pool of broadcasting corporations. See, there's a TV station or something in Germany called ARD. Apparently the Metricness of the prefix threw the dictionary off. In reality the article is about an insurance company and a re-insurance company and it was really quite dull, although I did learn how to make a Euro symbol in Word. Anyway that made my head explode, and that's not even half of what I have to do today. Yay! Luckily, my hard drive is coming up as read-only because it is a BASTARD, so there's all this stuff I have to do but FIRST I have to reboot, which, Ugh. So I have to close all these windows and blah blah and I'll do it in a bit.

As a means of procrastination I would go get lunch but like a RETARD I left my ID at home this morning. This means that I had to sign in this morning, and I'll have to sign in when I come back from leaving for lunch, and I have this stupid little Visitor Pass which I have stuck to my computer monitor (Hi, stupid pass!) in order to remind me of my shame and my ignominy and my blah blah. I AM BEREFT!!! Not really, I'm just annoyed. I'm going to have to do all of this all anyways, just later after I've maybe done something else that's useful. Like my time! Wah. What's humorous, or ironic, or conceited, some other literary device, is that last night I saw my ID and I was all, oh, huh, I should put that someplace where I remember to put it in my pocket in the morning! Whereupon I proceeded to do fuck-all (OMG I just wrote "fuck-ass" there, which is hilarious! And not true).

My weekend was a weekend. I did Nick things. Dr. Who, drinking, and Formula One. It was entertaining and relaxing and a good time, although by the end of the weekend I was struck with that kind of malaise that usually hits me when I haven't done anything worthwhile in a long time--and my threshold for "worthwhile" is extremely low. So I did what I normally do in these situations: I made a martini, picked up a book, and waited for it to pass. The malaise, I mean, not the martini. Eh. It's not actually gone tonight. Maybe I'll do something worthwhile tonight. MAYYYYYYbe.

Speaking of whortwhile (and this should clue you all in as to how low my actual threshold of worthwhile really is), I'm actually going to plan something. As probably only one of you knows, my beloved (in an on-again-off-again [SEE?! With the hyphens] sort of way, not a Toni Morrison way--my sister took a class with her and didn't like her, and I just assume that my sister is right about these kinds of things) San Diego Padres (LET'S GO PADRES! TILL WE REACH THE TOP! LET'S GO PADRES! WE WILL NEVER STOP! Until late season, when we will collapse like an Italian infantry charge) will be in town facing the Washington Nationals (possible irony: I wonder how many of their players are actually American nationals? Hmm) this weekend. Friday, Saturday and Sunday!! So if anyone's interested (fafou, I know you and I have talked about this!) in going to see a game this weekend, let me know so I can get tickets. I'm thinking probably the Sunday game, which is at 1:05. I'm not so into baseball that I need to be in the $50 seats, so I'm totally thinking something like $15/ticket, plus whatever you want for hotdogs and beer. Anyway. LET ME KNOW!!! BASEBALL!!! HOTDOGS!!! BEER!!! ME IN PUBLIC!!! ME TRYING TO PLAN THINGS!!! What better way to kill a hangover? What more could you want?

Why am I short of breath? I feel like I'm nervous about something. Maybe I'm having a heart attack. Man, that would suck.

I heard a song last night that had the word "palanquin" in it. It was hot.

I think I might have leprosy. Okay, not really.

You know what I was thinking about the other day? Okay, no one ever does. But I was on the Metro going someplace, probably to work, and probably in the morning, and I was looking out the window and I started thinking about those ads from those people about Verbs. And how they're what you do. I remember not being able to believe that they were actually advertisements for verbs. Like, I really thought that they were some kind of avant-garde ads for soda, or something, since they had these kids being all extreme, right, and what do extreme kids do in ads but drink soda? But the punchline never came. So I guess they really are ads for parts of speech. Which I thought was funny, because as parts of speech go, verbs really don't have much in the way of competition; I mean, if something is happening in your sentence, you can't really describe it with an article or pronoun. Liek, OMG me and Becky an to the mall and totally hers a new shirt! It doesn't work. So I'm thinking, why not start with ads for adjectives and adverbs, right? Because in a lot of cases they can fulfill the same duty, depending on the wording. This way we know we have a choice in our wording decisions! It could be like the Great Cola Wars of the 80s, where you have people doing blind taste tests ("I really like B better--it has a '-ly' to it that I totally dig!") and then you can have adjectives go all new-age and try to get their own deidcated ending (say, '-to') so all of a sudden My newto car is silverto! And things that were alreadyto neato would be neatoto, and after about thirteen seconds of this we'd all be, WE WANT OUR ADJECTIVES CLASSIC!! And all of the New Adjectives would be sent to Italy. Actually, it appears that this might have already happened. DO IT AGAIN! See, this is what happens when parts of speech go all capitalism on you. (Nouns! They're what's for dinner. Literally.)

Let's not even get started on diet parts of speech. HMOG.

Lalala. Nose. Grindstone. I have to stay today until I've done the things that need doing, so I guess I should actually see that they get done. I know, what is all this crazy talk and who do I think I am, Mr. Thing-Doer? Clearly not, but, you know. Hey! I'm going with it. I apologize for the fact that this paragraph makes no sense whatsoever.

KTHXBYE!

ABSTRACT

I've actually been busy at work! Doing the work of the devil, which is mostly ticky-box checking. I'm going to do something later, though, which is fascinating. It's retro day on Nick's iPod! Nick can't remember for shit! I am bored. I LOST MY WALLET AND IT WAS THE MOST RETARDEDEST THING EVAR. Also I speak French and rhyme. Crisis averted, though. Also, I bought pants and shoes (AGAIN) and caused drama that swirled around me but did not suck me in, and then there was OTHER drama which made no sense but I assume it was funny because in my head I've made it about herpes, which is a funny disease. To say. And then I go off on this really long tangent that doesn't prove anything except that I read way too much Hardy Boys as a kid, and I have a disturbingly good memory of the Avon Lady. WTF? Okay then. Lunch time!

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Hi!

( This is the LJ cut text! )

Okay, I totally need to eat now. You are welcome for this fascinating update.

ABSTRACT

The Smurfs were of variable height and have a movie coming out maybe three years from now. How many times will they use the word "smurf"? Also, I WONDER HOW IT WILL END. Check out the bling new LJ theme! Rocky Horror was fun and there were other things that I spent all my time doing which you are eternally grateful I do not go into at length. I had some bizarre dreams, both of which were very realistic and neither of which requires much in the way of interpretation. Yay curling. Boo towing. Yay New York. Yay free lunch. Boo to the boringness of this post. WRITE A BOOK DAMNIT.

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Lalalalalala.

( HMOG teh boringness is pastede on yay )

ABSTRACT

I went home for the weekend! You are jealous.

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Hello.

( Home Sweet Home )Then I’ll totally do something.

ABSTRACT

It's been three weeks since I updated! This is a long time, and a flimsy excuse for an extended analogy about rafting. I am a squirrel who writes bad porn. I met White Shirt's family! White Shirt and I do PRIDE! White Shirt and I are GAY GAY GAY! White Shirt and I break up! Which is really just an excuse to talk about the Dukes of Hazzard (BRILLIANT), which the new movie had better not mess up, and also to buy clothes. But really I'm more pissed off by the USGP. Suck it, F1. Drinking drinking drinking drinking etc etc. Boring shit happened. My best friend got married in April and is only now telling me? WTF. Now I have to get purple things and, like, pay attention. But I'm going home! And there is more drinking. I tentatively like the new Who, and when cars turn right. Work is messed, I bought new shoes and stuff, I hate America, birthdays are had, Cary Grant (or at least his characters) blows. There I said it. Retarded people are funny. AND I AM GOING TO HELL. Also, icon!

*****

Okay so ( BRACE YOURSELF )

This update brought to you by the letter SAUSAGE!!!

OH I TOTALLY REMEMBERED SOMETHING!!! New icon, made by jgesteve, commemorating probably the funniest thing I have ever seen in my whole life on TV. Holy shit I could not stop laughing. OKAY THEN YOU'RE WELCOME.